I used to think I had to be addicted to something bad for me in order to feel alive because the pain I felt throbbing in my chest was the only thing that made me feel like I was here. It was the only thing that pulled me back to earth from floating in the heavy, grey clouds of my mind.
I thought I needed someone to love me back to life. To grab a hold of me, walk right up and fight my demons for me. I thought that if I let someone inside my head and heart, they would take up all the space and the demons would run away. But all that thinking left me wanting something unattainable. Something I could never have. A saviour. A hero of sorts.
It became an obsession for me, wanting this Prince Charming and looking for him everywhere I went. I looked at the world with rose tinted glasses. Boys were Gods to me. All I wanted was their attention, even just for five seconds. I craved their approval, the feeling of being desired and wanted.
What I didn’t know back then was that all I ever wanted was just one choice away. All the things I thought I wanted was just a distraction from what I knew I truly needed. The truth.
But the truth hurts. Because you might need it and crave it but the truth usually hurts our ego. It might even hurt our feelings because it hits hard and destroys everything we thought we knew. Like how to act, what to say and even what to wear. We don’t want to let go of what we know. For me, it was letting go of my addiction to pain that hurt me the most. Ironic, right?
I thought I craved pain. Turns out, I just craved feeling sorry for myself. When I was a child I never thought twice about what anyone thought of me. But as I got older I found myself caught in a web of my own making with no way out. So why not just stay? Why even bother trying to get out?
Because allowing myself to feel sorry for myself wasn’t freedom. Not caring if wether or not the web would finally suffocate me one day wasn’t “carefree” living. I didn’t care about my soul, true, but it wasn’t living carefree in the optimistic way. It was slowly killing me. Mind, body and soul.
I became claustrophobic. The web was tightening and I couldn’t breathe. I remembered myself as a child, how happy I was ALL THE TIME. I decided I wanted to become her again. Which scared me to death but I knew it would be worth it.
Getting out of a mess of your own creation isn’t easy. You think you know how you got there but there are so many little things you have to get out of and those things are usually the reasons you want to stay in the web in the first place. But the web is made of knives and you have to cut yourself free from those things. Even if you bleed until you’re light headed, you have to keep going. Cut yourself free because when you’re done you’ll feel 1000 pounds lighter. It’ll hurt, of course. You’ll wonder why you’re doing it in the first place, why you’re cutting things out of your life that once was the only thing that made you smile. But that was then and you’ve grown. The things that used to make you smile will kill you if you aren’t careful. Every rose has its thorn and if you play with fire you WILL get burnt.
Once you’re free you won’t even remember the pain you felt when you where cutting your way out of the web. Because now you know true pain and loss. Now you know how precious life is and those girls you used to call your best friends never showed you the kindness, love and acceptance that awaits you.
It all comes down to one thing. A choice.
Life or death?